Through Clenched Teeth...

I feel like I have entered the next phase of my transition. I have bigger struggles to face and new goals to reach. After a relaxing and mostly stress-free summer I feel like I have to get my head back in the game and initiate some major changes. For one, I would like to change my name legally and have been looking into requirements and applications for a legal name change. This is becoming a pressing issue as I am finding it harder and harder to answer business phone calls from people wishing to speak to Ms. Christina Borrelli. I cringe each time my bank or doctor's office phones and I have to respond, "Yes, this is her." Or when I do anything that requires me to address myself by my former name. It's a mixture of feeling embarrassed, scared and angry all at once; it's that heat that rises in your chest and makes your ears burn but at the same time makes tears form in your eyes. I didn't realize how much discomfort I would feel from this initial stage of transition. I am constantly in fear of "outing" myself but at the same time not quite sure if I'm passing as male at all. I get surprised when someone nonchalantly refers to me as male but frustrated and angry when I'm assumed to be female. A massive hand has to be given to all the people in my life who have been so amazingly supportive and have without doubt referred to me with male pronouns and have so gracefully corrected themselves when they've slipped up; it means the world to me. Another struggle I face is the public washroom dilemma, it has slowly become more difficult. I used to just go into the ladies washroom and deal with the stares but as my gender identity solidifies itself I find I want to use the men's washroom more frequently. The problem is that unfortunately it is much safer for a trans guy to slip into the women's washroom and get a few stare then into the men's and face potential physical or verbal harassment. I automatically "out" myself when I use the ladies washroom but I also fear the aggressive males who don't take too kindly to a manly looking female invading their "territory". It's a sad but true reality. Also, I have a consultation with a "top" surgeon this Thursday (Sept 2), so wish me luck. A minor update on physical changes: my tummy and thighs have been coated with a healthy amount of long black hair, it's quite shocking. I am also shaving every 2nd or 3rd day. Nothing too drastic there except a little stubble. Still have minor acne and my voice tends to crack from time to time although it's definitely not in a male vocal range yet. Still waiting patiently for it all to happen and really happy with the results so far. That's all for now!